Called Beloved

I used to think I was quiet the lovely Christian woman; pious and good by every definition of the American church. I was quiet, I was modest, I didn't tell lies, I didn't rebel. I strove hard to be lovely. I worked hard to prove my innocence and make myself known. I studied the bible, learned how to pray, how to speak, how to lead worship. I was looking pretty good, but inside I felt hollow, tired, and terrified of losing my good standing in my faith. I was afraid of the church and what they may think. I held tightly to the opinions and slaved to please the people around me.

I was a slave-I felt like I was dying, forever dying. I had to finish dying. I had to sacrifice the pride. I had let go of the image of myself. I had to stop trying.

So I died one day.

I am not sure what day it was. I don't know the pivotal moment when my old self layed down. It was a slow death. Little parts day by day until one day I realized the old had passed away. I used to think it would be glamorous- the rebirth. It would be brilliant and obvious. But for me it was slow and steady. It was quiet. It was silent.

Grace raised me. It raised me into life. Grace required my death to breath life. Grace gave me a new name. Grace made a way not through striving but through surrendering. I am like a moth I am given wings but it is in the quiet of night when I fly. It is not when the world is watching to behold any semblance of self-glory. In the quiet. In the night I came alive.

I have learned that walking with Jesus is not walking with a list of rules in the confines of religion only giving up to my comfort and convenience. The feel good-work hard-earn my place and recognition is not found walking in the footsteps of Jesus. The fruits of the Spirit which is the evidence of abiding in Christ is not something I can put on my spiritual resume as experience my time in church as awarded me. It cannot be fabricated. It is the outpouring of the Spirit as we rest in Jesus; as we seek Him, as we die to ourselves, as we walk in true humility. It is understanding that in my filth and unrighteousness I have been called beloved.

So here we are learning to abide in Jesus that we may bear good fruits not by doing but by being filled with Grace; being raised through grace into true life.